Flying with the Witches

Nicholls is back . . . Hurrah!

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:47:00 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRgtofyvUIA

Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes

[woman's voice]
I am gettin' So hot, I wanna take my clothes off

HOT, you bet I'm hot..

But I bet I'm not as hot as Emil 'Rocky' Popov's underpants were on Saturday night.

And not as hot as the eyes in the back of his head are going to have to be in the weeks, months, years ahead.

Way to go Emil . . . DEATHWISH 1, DEATHWISH 2, DEATHWISH 3.

"Come on da Nicholls, bring it on" . . . what a vodka plonker!

Emil, mate trust me, I once asked Scott Nicholls if he fancied one of my mate Joe's 'angel tarts' and he nearly decked me.

Don't get me wrong, I'll take him on anyday and my tatoos are bigger than his and where only the very closest of friends will find them, but like you Emil, I'll only fight him with my helmet on.

Did you see the tufty who tried to take out Scott before running into the stadium to hide? . . . Surely he's not English is he? We never won the war with that type of doggie toodle.

The only other person I know who was called Ashley was that squeaky bloke in Corrie. Must be in the name.

But overall, British GP, loved it, loved it, loved it all.

From 'Box Office' Tatum, to the Pearsmeister, from Greg 'This is my water bottle' Hancock to Nicki 'stop pickin' on me' Pedersen, it put speedway back on the map.

Instead of crusty old promoters wetting themselves over the 42-point limit, or whether Doolan can be the No.8 (yawn), it was livewire, real people, real sport, real ideas, real promotion.

Even Loobie Loo Chris Louis asked 2 sensible questions. Or at least I think one was a question.

"Remember Scott, we are live on television", Loobie looked pleadingly at his friend.

Is that a question Loobs?

No mate, quality. Why on earth you want to even consider running a speedway club when you can do comedy for far more normal companies like Sky I don't know?

Rubik's my water. Rock It. Loobie Love Ya.

Boooooommmmmmsoongggggggggggg

=========================

SO, how did my GP Party go, I suppose you want to know?

It was the best by some distance, mainly because Wishy's girlfiend Lucy had gone back to Lodz, so Wishy invited his mate 'Tat' (who collects Creme Eggs), who only then goes and brings his sister and 5 friends.

One of them was called Cheeky (no socks), and she was drop-dead. It wasn't until she said she knew Rune Holta's former maths teacher we lost interest in her.

Still, when she was down to here "Hampel 1" body colour we were all singing.

Me? I had my Pepe Protasiewicz socks on, they can be used to cover up all bits and pieces.

But back in the Sky studio, you can always rely on Loramski to let the side down.

There we all our at the party, dancing round Wishy's gloves, Cheeky's friend Winker about to take her shoes and bandana off, when up pipes Loramski.

As Keith 'they're mad these speedway riders' Hooootman watches the Emil/Scott punch-up, up pops the Loram man.

"You are right Keith, I wouldn't pick on him, Scott is a very big boy".

WHAT?

You can't say that Loramski. It's not even close to 9pm,. And even if you do, at least equate it to something, like "but not as big as me".

Or even, "not as big as Bacon's".

If you are really taking the mick, even, "And certainly not as big as Loobie's".

But in front of my Auntie Diana, who was watching speedway for the first time . . . no good.

=============================

SO we've seen the last of Jarek and even Swidders apparently.

Two down, two to go . . . no shouldn't say that should I? We're all in the EU together.

I'm happy the Scott Man is coming back, that's one more conversation I will be able to have in the pits without the need for my pigeon Polish.

And even apparently Cliff Richard's on his way to Foxhall, sorry, Batchelor Boy.

I think Troy the boy will become a big hit on my blog . . . someone else I'll understand . . . ah joy.

Scooottttttttttttttttttttterrrrrrrrrrrrr Scoooooooootttttttttttttttttt, deck his nose.

=========================

Anyhow back to the World Cup, which I wasn't.

COME ON KINGY BOY. My hero, love ya, deserve the call-up.

The World Cup is coming home . . .

ARE you happy Scotty is back? And do you feel some riders have let JL down? Did you go to Cardiff? And if so, did you take off all your clothes?

Love to hear from ya. Or under any of the news stories on the Witches news link here.

Bring back Donk, Loobie and JL . . . NOW!

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:51:00 GMT

NO, you can beg all you like, you ain't getting a Bacon song today.

Don't care, don't care, don't care, got no hair.

I had "I wanna be Bobby's Girl" all lined up and then we go and put on a shambolic performance like that.

Hammer Time, more like Calling Time.

Sing when you're winning, you only sing when . . . . I've even forgotten the words to that.

MY GOD SIGGY, YOU SHOULD SEE THIS LOT, YOU'D HAVE A FIT

Blame? I've given up blaming people.

Last night took the biscuit really. People moaning to me their "little solider" rider isn't for the chop and I shouldn't write such nasty things.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW NICE I AM

Those who moan at press coverage in this town should walk . . . a long one.

You could chop anyone from seven last night my friends, YES THAT'S RIGHT, ANYONE FROM SEVEN, including Little Soldier . . . well 5 actually poor old 747 can't be faulted and the Pedersen B isn't ours.

What is wrong with starting in heat one?

Loobie Loo used to make heat one his own when he had the No.1 race jacket on.

He made a fortune. You don't afford the type of trainers Loobie wears by coming third in heat one all your life.

Mike Lanham and Colin Cook used to walk the reserves race.

Siggy, Kevin Jolly, the Cowboy, the late great Billy, Shrimp, JL, Donk and then Ricko, Scottie, Loobie and Gollob. Legends all.

They just wouldn't believe it.

Bobby son, lovely ride in heat 9, nice to have you back, although the rest of it was pretty pants.

Bjarne, I never believed the Matt man at Poole when he said you were almost in tears and he thought you were going to quit . . . I'll never doubt Fordy again.

The Kingmeister wasn't happy and why not?

Rico man, that was a bit aggressive wasn't it son? Bit more of that and you'd still be in the GPs.

Hamps: Son, I'd get to the doctor's for a full medical if I were you.

Still, who cares?

Do you know who I feel sorry for most? Bob the Trackman.

He prepares the best track in the country and some of our riders make it look as though it's the bumpiest, most hapless track in existence.

What's wrong with you lot?

God man, some of you only come good when poor old Bob uses up 10 gallons of diesel grading it so it resembles a motorway.

We'll be having intervals after heat 2 soon.

I've got an idea, instead of Loobie re-shaping the track, why don't we swap the stock car track and speedway track over. Let the stock boys ride on the shale and our booby boys can have the concrete.

Note to Bob: Don't bother mate, they don't appreciate it.

So you thought you wouldn't see King's Lynn at all this season then? Ha Ha, I've got a cunning plan to get the biggest crowd at Foxhall this season in attendance in September.

Oh yes, we can still make the play-offs . . . might just be the relegation ones.

Trouble is, what happens if we lose? What happens if The Chapmeister at Lynn puts shale on their track . . . who will Kozza race for? How many will Darcy get? I'm having cold sweats already.

NO that's enough of that. Come on now, 2003 was worse . . . ask Slabon.

I comfortably predict more changes. In fact by the time the home meeting with Belle Vue comes round on September 3, our current Witches team will be unrecognisable from the starting seven in March I reckon . . . I hope!

Poor old JL, he's got a garage-load of old kevlars. Watch out car boot sales in the winter. But I refuse to be beaten.

I'll be there for the Wolves meeting and we'll tan their wolfie backsides I reckon.

Grizzzzzzzzzzzzlllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy man, we'll take all three points.

Anyhow, it's the GP on Saturday. Love it, just love it.

Our GP party will be a corker this time.

We're playing "Spot the stupid question" and I reckon we will all be so sloshed because everytime someone says something stupid, or asks a silly question, you have to down a short.

That Pearsonmeister is a pain though, he's far too knowledgable, don't get much down your neck with him on board. But hopefully Sudden, Loobie, Big Eyes and maybe the Norris Man might be back . . . I feel drunk just thinking of it.

Come on the Scott Man, come on the Bomber.

And to help the boys, just in time, all is love and kisses at the BSPA.

Yep, just one week after all threatening to join the Premier League, tarmac their tracks and all move to Russia, they all get together and make up.

The owners (is that promoters, or were some left out?), had a meeting on Tuesday. Dig this.

Rosco Man: : "It was the best meeting of club bosses I have ever attended. It will help the sport over the next few years."

JC Cookmeister: "Our General Council meeting on Tuesday was a massive success. It was the best BSPA meeting I have ever been to and I firmly believe we’re on the right track for a bright future."

My God, what the hell has happened. Or are they all just reading from the same press release.

I asked JL about it all: . . ."What meeting?" he said.

. . . . only kidding I didn't really ask him. The Witches probably weren't invited anyhow.

So a couple of weeks break now, time for the boys to recharge their batteries and come back pumped up for the Wolves clash just as they did against the Hammers.

I'm off to Poland for a week to see if I can find any shale.

Wishy . . . . pass me another smartie!

WHAT do you think? Is it just me or can't we gate? What's wrong with Hamps? Would you make three changes and bring in Loobie, Donk and JL? I would.

See you for the webchat every Friday, 12 noon . . . and don't be too hard on some of the Witches "Little Soldiers".

Published and be damned speedway fans

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:23:00 GMT

IT'S 12 noon and I've now fielded numerous phone calls and e-mails regarding a lack of a Bacon perspective on Wednesday night's meeting between Poole and Lakeside which was shown live on Sky.

Apparently I'd have had a field day.

However, while Middlo and the JC Cookmeister were pouring out their heart to Charlie girl, I was finishing runner-up in a karting competition in Ipswich (I should have won and like all bad sports I've placed my £100 down to have the winner's engine checked).

Anyhow I'm handing this blog over to you.

Tell me your thoughts on last night because I didn't see it. And speedway in general right now.

It's your chance to have a say and have it read by shedloads of people, including I know, some promoters.

So over to you . . . tell me about it.

Poole and Coventry to say sorry . . . ALERT

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:43:00 GMT

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfuBREMXxts&feature=related

LAUGH. You couldn't write it could you?
There I am playing 'catch the hamster' sun shining, briefs on, hosing the shrubs, with my neighbour Jodie 'potato salad only' Jacobs, when my SMS alert goes off.

It's the BSPA. What can they want?
Let me guess, Poole apologise for being complete tools, and promise to tell Hans 'stick the Elite League' Andersen, to get lost.

Or if not them, I bet it's Peter Oakes, 'Brandon Calling', saying, whoops our mistake, sorry boys. Scotty "Not for me chaps this year" Nicholls will just have to miss out.
We'll continue R/R for little Olly Allen and wait until he's fit.
And the League will remain competitive and interesting for all.

But hang on, what's all this, it's nothing of the sort . . . "The BSPA announce the play-offs will go down from six clubs to four", it says.
What? Pass me a Darcy Ward, who the hell thought of that?

Not me that's for sure. Or JL. Or Kevin Long. And I bet Chris 'Passion' Morton didn't.
Or the lovely Jodie, who is now in my shower with Raul, (only Jodie would have a shower cap with a name).
Not Swidders, he needs the meetings.
Certainly not Tobi. Or Sky Sports.
Or, more importantly my old mate Jules. He's a right misery and bit of a bloater too, loves his burgers and fancies himself as a bit of a journo. But even he'd never be that negative.
So who the hell decided on this?

My God. It's like in football . . . the Champions League, will be reduced from 16 teams to 8. Sorry you've all started, but those in the bottom two of each group will have to give up!

What are the Pearsonmeister and Big Eyes going to say? They will have to re-arrange that cut-off line on their electronic EL table. Can't wait for Wednesday when the JC Cookman Cookmeister shows up at Poole.
Sock it to 'em JC

++++++++++++++++

STILL, we were all Brahams and List in my house on Saturday night.

It was Fancy Dress GP night and Wishy had only gone and invited his cousins Poda and Rene over from Lodz.
Rene came as a Witch, Poda as a Bee and Wishy dressed up as a Robin. My brother Tig was coming, but he was arrested on Friday night after he and Velz (Austrian swimmer), got caught short on the Cornhill.

Back at my house, we had a vote: "Pizza or Indian takeaway". There were two votes for Pizza and Wishy (the Robin) voted for an Indian, so that's what we had. Oh how we love democracy in our house.

I fell asleep before the semi-finals, a bit like Bomber did in heat 15. How the hell are we going to get ANY GB riders in the series next year?
Back in the studio Chris "I can't believe some of the tat you have in these GPs" Holder must have been wondering why (injury aside), he's not in the series.

Even Sudden Sam was shaking his head at some of the efforts from the world's top stars.
And even Middlo . . . no stop there Bacon.

Loobie was in the pits, hopefully trying to:
1: Get Saypoodinov to replace Swidders
2. Find a Sky shirt that fitted him!

Oh Loobie Loo, I remember those days . . . Thursday nights at Foxhall, 13 heats, second half, bottle of Bud, snogging the girlfriend on the third bend . . . and then came Sky and those awful shirts.

Rocket man, Rocket man.
Four instead of 6, four instead of 6
Here comes another pile

++++++++++++++++

GOD I'm bored.
What's wrong with speedway? I thought it was a summer sport. More like an Easter one if you ask me.

Ipswich Witches fixture list 2009.

March . . a bit of speedway (usually resulting in 6 injured Witches)
April . . . shedloads Mon, Wed, Thur, Sat, for three weeks. Fans taking out loans to pay for all the admission prices.
May . . . Bank Holidays only. Hot sun, crap racing.
June/July/August . . . Occasional meetings.
September . . . finish.

What the hell is that you lot? Who needs a National League side when you can have more Car Boot Sales?

Boom Sangster Rabbit

++++++++++++++++

IS it just me? Are you bored? Is Jules really dull? Are you glad there are only 4 play-off places now?
Did you sing along to the Monkees at the start?

Comment below. And don't forget Love Speedway in the Star and EADT on Wednesday.
I've a few stories to tell you there, including the only two speedway riders to tell me to . . . . Off!
Webchat on Friday, 12 noon-1pm, if there are any speedway fans left!!

Chinese whispers . . . so I've heard

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:16:00 GMT

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
The weekend comes,
My cycle hums,
Ready to race to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLt7clQbBzo

HAPPY Days, happy days, Fonzie and the crew.

It's the BSPA signature tune, don't you know?

Sing it to yourself . . . here we go . . .

Sunday Monday, Buxton and Wolves
Tuesday, Wednesday, Isle of Wight and Poole.
Thursday, Friday, Foxhall and Purfleet
The weekend comes
It's Eastbourne at home.
And Lukas smacks the Bees!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Happy Days, refreshing Teletex all night, L Drivel 14+2. Ha Ha Ha.
I must be dreaming, but hey nonny no, I'm not.

Oh to be a fly in Peter Oakes car on the way home . . .
"All this flippin' money and we can't pick up a point at Eastbourne!!!!"

Money, Money, Money . . who needs it?

Why don't you re-declare again. Bring Frampton back I say!! He He

++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy Days. How some things make me smile . . . a little booby smile you understand.
A sort of, "Come on back to my place baby, and yes of course your mum can come," smile.

Call me an old "We won't play if we can't have Scottie" if you want, but some things just make me laugh.

Boiiiiiiiiiiiiiingggg, that makes me laugh for instance.
Try this one . . . Rumppppppperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdoooooooodle

How about this . . .Lukas 14+2. Ha Ha Ha.

Happy Days. Yes of course I'm going mad, I'm a speedway fan.
But still happy days. Poole lose at home AGAIN, even with Hansy boy taking an R/R
Then poor old Hansy gets a paid 20 at Lakeside (Better put the B&B prices up Middlo, that will have cost a fortune!!! No missus No.), and still the Pirates lose.
You couldn't write it could you? Next you'll be telling me JL went into the Mucky Duck and shouted "Hold up everyone, supp up your pints, the drinks are on me."

Laugh, I wet myself me.

But what about my man Lukas Sat Nav Drivel? Happy Days indeed.

In fact I had never actually seen the Sat in the flesh until last Thursday week at Foxhall, but on Saturday the big man dealt the big one.
GoDrivs . . . Go Drivsssss.

He smacks those Smart Alec "We've done nothing wrong and even if we have, we'll take our bikes, our little Scottie, Rory, Bomber, dummies and all our toys and not play in the Elite League anymore" Bees for six.
Brilliant!
Drivel, he did it practically all on his own 14+2. I love old Lukas, love him to bits little booy boy you.

In fact I was so happy I went straight down the Chinky soon as I knew the result, already having had 6 Buds, a Stella and two port and lemons.
They didn't look happy to see me.

"Give me two 68s and a 33, heavy on the chilli," I sort of said (well slurred).
"And send my mate Lukos Dribble a 55, with extra curry . . . booooooommmmmsong.

"Mr Bafon, last time you come in here this time of night you had trousers round ankles, and you no pay," the girl said.
"We like you and that bog you write. But you not good payer. Now off sod."

Weren't hungry anyway.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Wrap my thong around my kneecap.

I'm still happy. Why now Bacon I hear you chant, for God's sake why? We're going to finish bottom.
No we ain't. My mate Hereeee Weeeeeeeeeee Gooooooooooo, with Fingerbob Loobie and JL have it all worked out, don't you boys?

Please nod your heads.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Still Happy Days and what about this one.

Swindon have had to re-mortgage the Blunsdon toilet block after our booby boys efforts there last Thursday.
It must have cost the Robbers, sorry Robins £20k I worked out. Zagar, the Chair, Even "Old MacGowan who had a farm" picked up bumper pay packets.

Rosco was seen charging for autographs to bring some cash in (£1.50 a time). He only collected £1 and owed some poor little kid 50p after he double or quits with the kid he used to be a decent rider! (Sadly for Rosco the kids' dad was present!)

ANYHOW!!!. Wot's all this about Rosco, having a pop at my man Heerrrr Weeee Go?

"I know Pete is relatively new to the job, but he was bang out of order in the abuse he gave Matej. He was unprofessional."

Plonker! Play ground stuff, play ground stuff Rosco.
Come on mate I like you, I've even said you and the JC Cookmeister should have your own show
You could call it "Fink Your're Smart?"

But mate don't call Heereeee Weeeeeee Gooooooo Simmo unprofessional. What about you lot?

Picture the scene . . .
Sitting in a car, dice boinging side to side, heading down the M4. some time last season.

"Hey Rosco, turn that lap top on will ya?"
"Why?"
"Well some bloke is going to decide if we can use Joel Parsons or the Tacemonster at Foxhall tonight.?
"I don't know how to turn it on. Which button do you press?
"This one? No. What about this one?
"Well what does it say?"
"White Without
"Not that one. Well shake the flippin' thing then.
"Oh, sod it leave it off, we'll say we never got a call and use Parsons."

SO don't call my mate Herre Weee Goo unprofessional EVER AGAIN.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh well, no speedway for about 10 weeks now. Serves us right for

1 Getting KO'd out of the Cup
2 Being in the brainless Elite League

Note to JL: We'll all have a whip round at Foxhall and give you some money to compensate the Sky money, then we can to in the Premier League and all enjoy our speedway again
What do you say? Still I'm off to Mildenhall.

Pomigranates and cheese on toast I say.

Happy Days. Happy Days. Ping.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Can't get enough of me?
Well I'm not finished. Watch out for Love Speedway 24 in print EVERY TUESDAY IN THE EADT starting tomorrow and every WEDNESDAY in the EVENING STAR

Your letters, your thoughts, your views.

ARE you happy? Should we make an illegal approach for Drivel? Can you turn your lap top on? Let me know, comment below.

Swiderski! Your're doing my head in

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 09:42:00 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLrMLPHJ7iI&feature=related

POO, pratt, winkle, double cheeseburger, Rupert the Bear.

LOVE YOU RUPERT

Happy days in the garden, me and Wishy on the swing, water fights, dirt bombs . . . and upstairs asleep on my bed. . . little Rupert.

Those were the days . . . JL scoring maximums, the booby boy Witches winning the double, big crowds, cheap burgers.

When no-one had heard of the Swindon Robins, Sky was just that . . . in the clouds . . . and the Witches track shop had a bi-weekly sale.

Good Friday double headers against a team where we could possibly win on their track . . . happy days

Back to reality . . . .

+++++++++++++

X-rated, X-rated Witches booby boys.

That's all I can think of to say.

What the hell is wrong with you lot?

Booby boys, what IS the matter?

Sky come to town, JL paints the fence, the girls have pretty umbrellas, even Pete the Start Marshall combs his hair.

And what happens . . . pants, that's want, chequered pants with holes in (sorry Rupert).

Have you lot all won some syndicate lottery jackpot you are not telling us about, so don't need the money?

Pull down the shutters, put out Swidderpuss the cat.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Picture the Witches dressing room before last night's meeting.

In stomps Nick Heerreeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeee Gooooooooooo Simmo.

"Right you 'orrible lot, it's Sky tonight. Johnny Endwhistle is ref and that bloke Mike Rossiter, the Robins boss is a pain in the butt when Sky are around.

"Now, make the bloody gate will ya? Kick their butt. Remember what that is Tobes?

"Hamps, what's funny?"

(Hamps giggling away in the corner with Swids).

"Nothing Nick, sorry Mick, sorry Pete, just Swids that's all. He's just done a . . . you know . . a pop noise."

"Oh for God's sake, just start strong, start strong."

Simmo leaves.

Hamps to Swidders, with the Kingmeister looking on: "Have you picked up the Lottery cheque yet?"

+++++++++++++++++

God I feel sorry for . . . me, you, even Bob the Track Man was being told his track was too bumpy.

Bog off the lot of ya moaning, winching Robins.

Welcome to Blunsdon . . the smoothest track in England. Ha, what a laugh that is. It's like a Polish motorway that place.

Still the chairmeister Larry Adams felt sorry for us and fair play to the big man. When's the last flippin' time he got 9 at Foxhall?

I'll tell you what I reckon Sudden Sid Ermolenko was riding then.

Still I taped it. Had to watch it just in case I'd missed something, like a Witches heat advantage.

But no, just the one, or was it two. It was so bad, and Matej Zokar was such a pain.

HOW MANY MORE DAMN RIDERS ARE GOING TO KNOCK WITCHES BOYS INTO THE FENCE AND GET AWAY WITH IT?

What was the Zokar doing in the re-run of heat 15?

Tie me kangaroo down sport, chuck me another Barbie Doll. Are you watching Dale Supermarket Sweep? God man it took 148 replays to exclude Starsky when Fisher chucked himself on the floor. But only 1 to exclude Tobi as he was flung into the fence.

Where's a bottle of Bud when you want one?

Tobes, nice to hear nothing broken, but mate you didn't chuck yourself into the fence did ya? Still no doubt the whistle thought he had a good meeting . . . 2 out of 10.

As for Zokar: "I don't like Foxhall very much," he prattled on with that stupid "I'm taking the peeee" look on his face, after his 4th win.

No Mate and we don't like you very much, so get lost back to Slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwvenia.

++++++++++++++++++++

So what about the Pearsmeister and Sid Ermolenko in the Sky box?

I love Sid, could listen to him all day "ride that high line", "wow, look at 'em go"

Fair play to the Pearsmeister, he tried to make Witches fans feel good. He went on and on and on about how good the Witches USED to be and how much bad luck they were having. He mentioned Donkey, JL, and the late great Billy.

But boys, cut to the chase. You should have been saying . . .

"God this lot are crap aren't they Sid?"

"Imagine watching this every week. And how many away victories can you see the Witches getting Sid?”

Generous Sid: "I think they'll pick up a few points on the road."

Rollocks we will. Pass another Fat One.

+++++++++++++++

Names, names, names.

Poor Old Endwhistle the ref. He forgot everyone's name.

Calling Heerreeeee Weeeeeeee Gooooooooo Simmo, Nick, then Mick, I thought he was going to go for the full house and say Dick or even Pr***

+++++++++++++++++

Still, we'll put it right at Blunsdon on Thursday (ha ha ha).

If I was the Swindon management I'd be making contingency arrangements, as it's going to be a BIG PAY NIGHT.

Put BIG MONEY on Swindon winning well . . am I allowed to say that with all these expenses rows? Oh sod it, I have.

£10k at 1-124 ON! Should make you about £12.

Anyway changes now, changes now.

Where's Herbie when you want him?

My Big Bobby Mii is being restored to its rightful position in Mario Superkarts.

Will it be Gollob? Will it be Holta?

No, but check the latest news, Scottie in the Coventry team AIN’T allowed, so someone’s going to have to go from the Bees aren’t they?

Oh, I forgot this is speedway of course.

Up and down, round and round, all over the pillow, where will it stop?

Come on booby boys, turn the page

THE SEASON STARTS RIGHT HERE.

++++++++++++++++++++

So who do you want back in the side? Can we still make the play-offs? Why did Entwhistle think Simmo was called Nick?

Is Rupert the Bear your favourite cartoon character?

Comment below . . . boooooooommmmcrasher

Hans, Scottie, Swidders and the rant

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Thu, 28 May 2009 22:34:00 GMT

When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)
You’re the one they adore, who they came to see (who they came to see)
You’re a … rock star (baby)
Everybody wants you (everybody wants you)
Player… Who could really blame you (who could really blame you)
We're the ones who made you

http://videos.onsmash.com/v/lFQbLXHBm5QJBzhW

WE made you, made you, made you. My booby Witches made you Swid.

My man Swidders, you know I love you (plutonic), but you also know I love you scoring shedloads of points.

What's the matter?

Come on, you can tell me. Is it your kevlars? Are they too tight?

Get Loobie and Hereeeeeeee Weeeeeeeee Gooooooooooo Simmmmo to grease them up a bit more.

When the tapes go up . . . move for God's sake!

Or is it where you are placed in the pits? Does the Kronemeister have too much space? Does he have wind problems?

What's wrong. You warm up, jumping up and down like Herrreeeeeee Weeeeeeee Goooooooo instructs.

But when it comes to heat 4 . . . . nothing!

++++++++++++++++++++

Honestly, I go to Spain for a week's peace and quiet and all I get is phone calls and a text from Wishy about the state of the sport.

"Mikey Boy, Wishy Wash here.

"Hey Coventry have signed Scottie and Poole Hansy Boy.

"How does that work? I thought the points limit was something like 38.9954679304 recurring.

"How can the Kennett Man, Bomber, Schleinmonster and Scottie all fit in at the Bees?

"I've got my calculator out and alone they come to about 36.57675985758.

"I thought the sport was trying to re-invent itself. I thought the sport was trying not to be a laughing stock anymore. I thought . . . .

"Gotta Go, the missus has been to all night strip-poker and she's hot, hot, hot."

OK, so I shouldn't share that last bit with you, but what the hell is going on?

Since when has Olly Allen been Scottie? Or even more laughable Ales Drivel, Hans?

Rumble my rollicks I say. Booooooommmmmmmmcrashhhhheerrrrrrrrr.

That's it. JL, go and sign Crump and Hancock, take off 10% their averages for them being over 30, 15% off for being too good and 25% off for being not English and then threaten to cry very loudly if they are not allowed in the Witches booby boys team.

Uproar among the fans, uproar among the fans, sad men, sad men, sad men, sad men . . . buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

++++++++++++++++++++++++

So here we are, BSPA AGM in November.

Right guys, day one: Breakfast and drinks, general chit-chat, dinner and drinks . . . then drinks . . . and plenty of Bull.

Day two: Off to the quack, brains removed . . . now let's make those decisions for the new season.

My God, I thought F1 was crap because if you had a lighter "front end" you got docked points.

Or if you sponsors logo was more than 3mm high, you started on the back grid.

But no, here in old speedway land, we can go better than that.

38.9954679304 recurring, that's the rule.

BUT IT'S NOT THE FLIPPIN' RULE IS IT?

Two team Elite League, say Two team Elite League

Two team Elite League, say Two team Elite League.

I've got an idea. If a team goes to Poole or Coventry from now on, lose the match 75-15.

That'll put their points-money up! Hurrahhh!! Not such a good idea now you little wibbley wobbly Pirates was it?

++++++++++++++++++++++

When you walked through the door
It was clear to me (clear to me)

Put Eminem in charge of the sport I say.

He'll sort it out. Go on Slim Shady, show 'em how to produce a real show.

Brandon first, Wimborne Road second. Put a real show on Slim.

Stan, loved it, what a record!

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Bjarne. Slow start to the season son, very slow, picking up well now, good boy.

Bring back Zagar I say . . . oh Swindon have . . . !!!!!

But Swidders, my heart is breaking, my tears are real.

Don't you like us anymore? We love you.

And as for you Lanhamski, get some of the old man's curry sauce down ya before a meeting. That'll give you some extra speed at the gate.

The Kingster, love it son, love it. One of the best, and Hamps, pure class, pure class.

++++++++++++++++++++++

OK, so we won't win the KO Cup for a 10th consecutive season. But hey? Who's counting.

Certainly not my mate JJ on the second bend. He's seen it all before. He even remembers when Belle Vue v Ipswich was a title decider.

I so thought it was going to come good.

When the Kingster and Kronemeister set off for that 8-1, I swallowed my hot dog in one go.

Extra mustard, extra mustard.

JJ even woke up on lap 2, only because his mate Billy kissed him on the head. Laughs a plenty, laughs a plenty.

False dawn.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

I nipped in the changing rooms at half time to hear Big Simmo's team rant.

"I've sold some crap lifts in my time, but you lot, you lot, you lot, wouldn't be fit enough to touch my thigh," he roared.

"Look at ya. All of ya. Don't giggle Starsky, it's not funny. OK, so who put my hat on Swidders' nose?

"Listen up. Get out there and kick butt."

"Vas ist das?", pipes up the Kronemeister.

"Vas ist un butt?"

"Tobes, don't push it son," Simmooooooo returns.

"A butt is this."

And Heereeeeee Weeeeeeeeee Gooooooooooo duly kicks everyone up the bum, whacks them round the head and sends them off packing, (Starsky now not giggling).

Only the Hamp escapes a rollicking, as Simmmmoooo swigs another Red Bull.

++++++++++++++++++++

I'll tell ya, I'm hoping to see JL come out of those changing rooms in kevlars on Monday.

Go on JL, roll back the years, roll back the years.

+++++++++++++++++++++

WHAT'S happening to our sport? Are the Bees and Pirates calculators in order? Would you like to see JL back?

Who wants to see a picture of Wishy's wife?

Comment below, debate, tell me . . . or is it just me?

Don't disturb Kroner, JL's paying

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:50:00 GMT

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

http://new.music.yahoo.com/Rihanna/videos/view/Disturbia--159484907

DISTURBIA, oh how disturbed am I? Disturbed, worried, disturbed.

I reckon Swidders is disturbed. Disturbed those little numbers next to his name in the programme, something like 7.56, are complete Tommy Rot.

What do they mean? What are these Green Sheets?

SWIDDERS, WAKE UP WILL YA?

It's alright for you, but my cat Swidderpuss is now in hiding after I chased it round the room on Thursday night threatening to throttle it.

In fact as I was chasing him, it was all rather ironic really, because when I got near Swidderpuss, it shot away - about twice the speed you did from the tapes on Thursday Swids.

For God's sake Swidders make some changes.

I don't know, put blackcurrant in your fuel tank, kiss your mechanic's cheek before each race, wear boxers instead of normal pants, pat JL on the bum as you go out.

ANYTHING, just for God's sake go back to the old Swidders we all loved and knew.

Still, shouldn't complain, one goes crap, another improves . . . look at the Tobemeister.

I had a text Thursday night from my big German friend.

"Mein Frienden Blogger Bacon, Tobi here.
"Vot das you think de that ten?
"I hat an big score. Mention aust don von Blog da Witches.
"PS: Las Legs de Little JL, paid me big von paypacket. Einer happy muchen Tobi."

Quality Tobi son.

The way you were riding you would have thought someone had put a rocket up your bum and told you either
1: You start to score some points because if you don't,
2: You will be replaced by Joel Parsons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well, pull my crochet and grab my underlinen.

Belle Vue off by 10 Belle Vue off by 10 Belle Vue off by 10

A bit of rain and the train stops the pain in Spain in Manchester

Stops them travelling, stops them travelling. I could be in Aberdeen if I drove solidly from 10 in the morning till 6.

Come on Kirky lot, by the time tapes up I bet it won't have rained for 14 hours.

Oh yes, KK got 3, KK got 3.

Big Bob the Tractor Bob can get our track ready in 28 minutes after a deluge.

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

I hum those Rihanna Disturbia lyrics night and day.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

YOU laugh, but you wouldn't at Wishy-Washy, he's struck GOLD.

Oh yeah, he's back over from Poland, got in on the back of a lorry full of shale going to Coventry speedway . . . tons of space!!

So, Wishy comes round, giving it large;

"I've got Gollob's autograph, and it's on my thigh."

Who cares? But suddenly I care? Wishy has only bought his new glamorous girlfriend Amana with him.

She was in the lorry too, see told you there was plenty of space. She sat next to 2 Iranians, 3 Poles and a Czech - all on their way to race in the Premier League apparently.

Why are Team GB so pants in the World Cup then?

Anyhow Amana reminded me of a cross between Rihanna and Beyonce. She was gorgeous.

"Wishy mate, go to the shops and as for some long weights," I suggested.

Off he went. He's so easily taken in is old Wishy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

IT'S the Eagles in town, the Eagles in town.

I'm up, down, round and around.

Watt, Davey Watt? Watt day is that?

Race 'em Lanhamski. You know it makes sense. Come on Leighder Leighder.

Heeeereeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Goooooooooooooooooo, Simmo will be wanting the full quota.

Oh yes, greedy boy, greedy boy. Give me all three, give me all three.

Sock it to 'em Simmo. And make sure it's delivered.

Make 'em jump and down and try to pat you on the head. That'll get them warmed up.

Tell 'em JL's feeling the credit crunch and his bank, TinyTown, is threatening to pull the plug unless the Witches get all three.

I'll be there, so will the Bridger.

Who needs to be bright when you can ride'em like the Lewis boy.

Still I won't forget him knocking Loobie Loo off, then not apologising, then selling a signed Loobie Loo jockstrap on e-bay.

Like an elephant me . . . . never forget.

Unlike the Swidd. Come on son, remember, gate and turn left . . . at speed.

Be the Man . . . Disturbia

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Are you going Thursday? What's happened to Swidders? Was Hamps happy or sad Monday's meeting was off? Will Poole win the League?

Let me know . . . . comment below

But Jarek oh Jarek, just sue 'em

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Tue, 12 May 2009 09:30:00 GMT

Does he wash up? Never wash up
Does he clean up? No, he never cleans up
Does he brush up? Never brushed up
He does nothing the boy does nothing
(Repeat chorus)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn9lLnVurYI

WASH up, wash up. Alesha, my little doll, I don't know about washing up, but whover is cleaning Jarek's plates needs shooting.

How can you expect the poor boy to ride in Poland on a Saturday, Poland on a Sunday (OK rained off), Wolverhampton on a Monday and then Sweden on a Tuesday.

And all without people washing up his plates and utensils properly or cooking food to the correct temperature.

Hamps son . . sue 'em. I say. Sue 'em all.

Food poisoining. Nasty, very nasty, especially on the eve of such a big meeting for the booby Witches boys.

Couldn't have come a a worse time.

But don't stand for it Hamps. Someone is to blame. Don't blame Alesha, she was just the messenger, she could see the consequences of poor hygiene

Ratttttaaa tooooo eeeeeeee I say. Double cheeseburger with a Bargain Bucket and large doner. Wash up? You bet you should.

++++++++++++++++++

FOR God's sake Swidders what the hell is wrong with you?

First you almost gift those pesky Panthers a win on Bank Holiday Monday and then you're unable to win a heat at Wolves where you got a maximum last season.

Swids. Do you write down your gear settings? I do, so does my mate Chalky and Bish - who writes down the Sky Channels he MUST make favourites.

Well Chalky is not so much into gear settings as lay-bys in country lanes. But it's all the same principle . . . a list of words and marks out of 10.

Wilko BA, loved you at Scunny the other week on the old box. You looked at home in the PL.

Still, you're in their fighting me old China, keep it going.

Lanhamski, a heat win or two against those buzzy Bees on Thursday, and I'm round for skate and chips (twice), with a tub of curry sauce.

Leighsy Rider, come on, you know you can do it. So, Ipswich is you least favourite track, but mate, I hate wearing pants . . . but I do.

The Bees won't buzz, won't buzz, won't buzz.

Hamps to the max, Hamps to the max.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

IT''S alright for you Sky boys, Pearso and the Eye Man, you could probably have a lay-in this morning.

But some of us have to get to work, while you lot are rabbitting on about speedway last night till about 10.45pm.

My cat Swiderpuss went without his late night bickies at the usual time. He was in hell of a state.

Eagles v Robins, more like WWF Smackdown Zone, with Triple HHH fighting the The Undertaker

Have you ever seen a speedway meeting like it?

Eagles down to 4 (Norris, Watt, Bridger all knackered), the Robins down to 4 (Stoya bloke, Fisher and Pavlic all knackered).

Loobie Loo and Sudden Sam have got so confused, or bored of interviewing the same riders, they end up interviewing each other!

"I can't remember a meeting like it," said Loobie.

Which is hardly surprising, he hasn't remembered he owes me a tenner after my sponsored Cream Cracker Challenge Eat in January.

"Man, I've never seen anything like it either," pipes up old Sudden.

Which is even less surprising as my man Sam probably can't remember what he had for breakfast, all the bumps he's had.

They looked like Laurel and Hardy in drag, poor old Loobie having to think of questions galore.

I hope he remembers what a pain he's being sticking microphones up rider's noses, next time he tells me to hang on, when I want to know the interval draw ticket numbers at Foxhall.

But the best bit was the Adamsmeister, GP Legend, In Your Armchair son geezer and Loobie.

Loobie: "You're still in this Leigh." (after his tac ride win in heat 13).

Adams: "Yeah mate, but we've only got one rider in this next race haven't we?

(Looks at Loobie for confirmation, who looks at the producer for help and then back at Adams with those "I don't know Leigh" eyes).

Adams: "Ain't we mate?"

Both look confused. Cameraman nods as camera moves up and down.

To confirm, Loobie cranes his neck and looks at the start/finish line where 3 riders are lined up

Loobie: "Yep, you do Leigh."

Priceless!!!!

Thankfully Nige the Nige Pearsmeister is keeping the ship steady in the commentary box, despite the Eye man's eyes almost popping out of his head when poor old Pavlic thought he was at Leszno, not Arlington, as he tried to go round the field in one race.

But it wasn't all chips, bargain buckets and curry sauce.

My auntie Dedrie has cancelled her Sky subscription. She went out to Bingo last night, having taped Great North Runs (or something like that), which was coming on at 9.30pm on Sky Sports 3.

But when she got home and pressed rewind, all she got was an hour and a quarter of something resembling the Battle of Britain.

How I love speedway.

There were 6 riders laying in ambulances, getting up for re-runs after flying through the air and smashing themselves to bits. And I turn over for 2 minutes to watch some footballer hobbling off up the tunnel, having been kicked in the knee!! Pathetic.

Bet his club wash up his plates.

++++++++++++++++++++

Tie me up and cover me in feathers. Rumble Rumble Rumble

I'll have what you're having PK. 54 and still flying.

JL pass me another Digestive.

I'm tired now . . . and feeling a bit queezy.

I left Swidderpuss to wash up last night's dinner . . . oh no, don't say he's sneezed all over it . . . Alesha where are you?

++++++++++++++++++

DO you wash up properly? Have you had food poisoining lately? Did you see the Robins and Eagles? How much fun was that?

Let me know, comment below.

And don't forget www.lovespeedway24.co.uk

Check out the other blogs on there

12 points behind . . . so what?

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:49:00 GMT

Call me immature
Call me a poser
I'd love to spread manure in your bed of roses
Don't want to be rich
Don't want to be famous
But I'd really hate to have the same name as you
(You silly moo)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxHcx7FO8nI

OH my God. Special. That was Special. Too Much, Too Young, that's me . . . and the Kingmeister.

Wop it to 'em Danny boy. Think of every excuse under the sun not to start a race. Go through the tapes, undo your nuts so your wheel is lose. Even tell Donk if he holds onto your dirt deflector, you'll give him a fiver.

Pretend you've got a cold, or your flies are undone. I don't care.

Give those Panthers a 12-point lead and then whip their backsides.

Too Much, Too Young, oh yes Starsky, Tobi, Tobi, Tobi. Da Too Much Da Too Youngensprocket.

And what about Heeerrrreeee Weeeeeeeeee Gooooooooooo Simmo? The man's becoming a living, breathing, eating, 12ft. tall legend.

What team manager could have come up with a plan: "Hey Wobbly Boys, game on. Give them old Panther boys a 12-point start and then nip past them in the final race.

"Do it and I'll come round and paint your chimneys."

BRILLIANT, COMPLETELY BRILLIANT.

I'll tell ya. My little booby Witches boys had me going. I thought you were going to lose for about 14 heats you little Poker Faces you.

Trog's bird, lucious Lucy almost swallowed her Twister lolly when the Kingman and Hamps roared away in heat 15.

And as for Lucy's sister, Bex, well . . . I thought she was going to pop. Too Much, Too Young that girl.

++++++++++++++++++++

HAMPS. I love you. No tongues, but loads of chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

Swidders, now let's sit down here.

I didn't name my fantasy football team Swidders United for nothing. I don't have a cat called Swidderspuss for no reason. I don't even make my wife put a little sticker over her Chanel No.5 perfume, so as to block out the word Chanel and replace with Swidders No.5, for nothing.

My mum bakes me little Gingerbread men with big noses and my hamster, Ronnie, has been given a new circle to go round and round in because he reminded me of you.

But come on, what's the matter? I know you like Peterborough, but remember they didn't want you last season, we did.

We made you, we cuddled you, we even made you rider of the season (OK, so you were the only Pole that attended the end of season do, but come on the sentiment was there).

NOW PULL YOUR BLOODY FINGER OUT!

+++++++++++++++++++

EVEN JL was smiling after heat 15. Well I think he was smiling.

He's had his teeth done you see. I'm not sure whether he's in pain or just happy to see me these days.

And as for Finger Bob Loobie. Our rider/manager/greenkeeper/bar attendant/deputy skipper/Team GB assistant/Sky man/Old Tom Cobbly and all, was so confident of the Witches going 12 behind and coming back to win the last heat in one of the most exciting meetings of the DECADE, he sodded off to Wolverhampton.

Hope it didn't rain too hard Loobie! It was lovely at Foxhall, especially after heat 15, and you missed JL say "drinks all round" at about 9pm as he locked up.

++++++++++++++++++

I WENT to Eastbourne Saturday night.

What a waste of time. Do you know down South all the refs are women? Well it seems that way.

Boomsuckers I say.. Boomsuckers and rumble strips.

I said to my wife on Saturday morning: "Oi doll. Fancy reffing a speedway meeting tonight at Eastbourne?".

"Get lost," she replied.

"Anyhow I can't. I've got all the Sunday veg to prepare, like most women are surely doing on Saturday evenings!"

Oh my wife, such a wag and ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh sooooooooooooooooo old-fashioned. Who would suggest such a thing?

Certainly not Starsky, as the Schrammeister whipped both his legs, front wheel, dirt deflector and back wheel away at Eastbourne, on his way to staying in the heat, while Starsky got excluded.

No misses No. Pass me the Yorkshire Puds!

+++++++++++++++++

AND FINALLY, are your fire extinguishers out of date?

Rocket propelled suction pumps, mine are. So are JL's.

I love fire extinguishers me. Kiss and cuddle, kiss and cuddle

Too Much, Too Young.

++++++++++++++++

When I'm calling yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?

I'll give you 12 points start I willlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

LOVE IT. LOVE IT SO MUCH I could milk it.

+++++++++++++++++++

WAS that not the best meeting you have seen for 123 years? Am I just bonkers? Are JL's teeth nice and white? Do you have a fire extinguisher?

Leave me a comment below.

Stripping . . Grand Prix style

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

Naughty boys in nasty schools
Headmasters breaking all the rules
Having fun and playing fools
Smashing up the woodwork tools

All the teachers in the pub
Passing 'round the ready-rub
Trying not to think of when
The lunch-time bell will ring again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJOLwy7un3U

MADNESS? You bet it's madness.

Angry? Mad, mad, mad, mad.

Who would prepare a track for a GP that no-one could overtake on?

You couldn't write it could you?

JL, get your name down for President of the FIM and make some changes will you, because I'll tell you this, my mates and myself aren't doing any more GP parties until someone does something about track preparation and therefore allows some passing.

Take Saturday for instance.

If Tony Millard (sitting in Carlshalton), tells me once more it's a balmy night here10km north of Prague, I'll do my honker. Why? Because I have mates in Prague, who told me it was freezing.

Washy came round with Lucious Lucy, (who brought 2 friends, both from Romania and both working in garages in Ipswich), for our GP Party. It wasn't going that well to be honest, and when Finger Bob (Loobie Loo) appeared with microphone in hand, we all thought, "oh no, stupid question alert."

However, Loobie was quite good and things got better when Lucy and Janie (a right babe, lovely pair of Belle Vue earrings), wanted to play strip GP passing.

Oh my God I thought! And I had no pants on! But hey, in for a dollar, in for a euro I say.

So, the game was, everytime someone passed another rider, you had to throw the dice and whoever got the lowest number had to take a piece of kit off.

Blimey I thought, what a night this is going to be, Janie has hardly come up dressed as though it's winter.

But thanks Ole and the rest of you. Apart from a pair of Washy's smelly socks coming off when Smurdipopov whatever his name is, passed Nicholls coming out of the pits on the way to the starting gate, the only thing Janie removed was one of Washy's nose hairs which had been bugging her.

Absolute garbage.

No passing, same old drivel. Thank God for Emil and Freddie the Lindmonster. The rest, Herbie, Scottie, Gollob (I think he was there), Ulagate, Walarubbish and Gus the celebritiy pick from the Czech Republic, thanks for nothing.

Just three passes would have done. I'd knobbled Janie's dice . . . what a night it could have been.

++++++++++++++++++++++

OH well old Poker Face Swidders showed us the way didn't he?

I've never seen Middlo so annoyed at Ipswich before.

You'd think he had been told to have an Englishman in his side.

Boomsong, Dongbait . . . rabba rabba rabba, DON'T MENTION THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE.

Call the meeting off on Wednesday at Poole, clashes with the Champions' League. Nice one.

Why don't you admit the Man U/Arsenal match actually clashes with another HOME TONKING!! And tell it the way it is.

Go Wolves, Go Wolves, Go Wolves.

Always been good on the road have Wolves, no wonder the Pirates were THRASHED.

JL: Call off Thursday's meeting because it clashes with Place In The Sun (Home or Away). That's one of my favourites. And I know Big Jake and his wife Lash, are looking to buy a place in Italy, so they won't be there.

How I rummmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbllllllllleeeeeeee.

+++++++++++++++++++

SIMMO son. Heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeee Goooooooooooooooooo.

The Wolves are in town, the Wolves are in town.

Woof the Aussie, sorry English chap, go Woof, but not too good Woof.

PK the age monster. Come on Hamps, Woof Woof, get there on time and let's win heat one.

Swidds, you old Poker Face you. 4+1 at Belle Vue, what are you playing at? Poole was better wasn't it? See doesn't hurt to play the old Lady GAGA once in a while.

Now, Tobi. "Von gaten est von much better slausen". Good man Tobes, now keep it going.

JL, bit of advice: Free programmes to the under 30s will have to come unless you take drastic action.

These young whipper-snappers are all producing free computer spreadsheets with the teams and heat details on, some have pretty red, blue, green and yellow colours with the rider's names in.

Screw 'em up JL. Put out false teams in the paper and on the website, all in the wrong order. Then they'll buy a programme.

+++++++++++++++++++

Hold your horses, we're off to Eastbourne on Saturday. The club that started the great Sky debate.

"Let's only do A league fixtures," said Bob (Dugard not Finger). We can't afford any more than that.

Hey, but guess what? Now the Eagles are flying, they can't ride enough fixtures.

"Let's have C fixtures," they'll be crying next.

Eaglets lay, Eaglets say.

++++++++++++++++++++

Tame those Wolves, pull their manes.

Pye in the Sky, Pie in the Sky. Let's do it my little Witches boys.

Comeeeeeeeeeee Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, we're movin' on up the table.

Rumble.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WHAT DO you think? Was the GP superb? Will we beat Wolves and Eastbourne? Have you ever played GP Strip?

Comment you little Witches booby boys and girls.

Poker Face, nice one Swiderski

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 10:18:00 GMT

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she’s got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she’s got me like nobody)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuUieuT8QMo

I LOVE poker me. The game of bluff.

You take Lady GaGa, she's a bluffer I reckon. So is Joel Parsons. And my man Swidders.

Mate, 4+1 at Belle Vue in the FIRST LEG of the Cup. Brilliant, completely superb.

What a bluffer, Poker Face, Poker Face, Polish Poker Face. The Aces are into the hat for the second round, they'll reckon.

No way Swids, you show 'em when they come to Foxhall in October for the second leg. I can see the heading now

"Swidders romps to 14+1 as Witches cruise into second round"

Poker Face, My My Poker Face. You bet.

Who wants to win the KO Cup anyway? Not me for sure. Not Starsky either. Or Finger Bob Loobie Loo.

Here you go here are a few questions. And you have 5 seconds to answer.

Who won the KO Cup in 1967? . Time up. Of course you don't know

Who won the KO Cup in 1988? Time up. Wrong again

Who won the KO Cup in 2000? Time up. Numpty

Who won the KO Cup last season? Time up. Ummmmmmmmmmmm?

But hang on: Who won the Elite League in 1998? The Witches of course, how long did that take?

See the Elite League is the baby in the bossom. The KO Cup can go fry as far as I'm concerned.

Not that we are out of it by any means, you Aces will be trumped when you come to the Heath.

Poker Face . . . Swiidders you de man.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DID you see Peterborough lose at Swindon? I only caught Peterborough boss Trevor Swales cracking jokes. I thought the Panthers must be winning, until I saw Drivel at the back and thought: "Nope, this is another Sky Production Leigh Adams exclusive".

Fair play to the Adamsmeister. He may have been one of the few riders to tell me to "F*** off", but I like him. And anyhow, it was a stupid question.

But, I love cuddly Trev. He's a friend and a nice bloke. But Tommy Cooper he ain't.

Charlie (pit bird): "Trevor, what next for Peterborough?" (as they go 54 points down).

Trevor: "Next question"

Charlie: "Have you got anything up your sleeve Trevor?"

Trevor: "A couple of arms?"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Oh my God, I fell off my sofa me. Who needs Jim Davidson or Jack Dee when you can have this humour in your front room.

As the cameras zoomed over to the Pearsmeister Nigel Pearson and Eyes Wide Shut Kelvin, you could see Nigel picking the Tatum up off the floor. He'd actually fell off his stool in fits of hilarity.

No wonder the ratings are so high.

Simon Cowell will be knocking next: "Speedway's Got Talent", starring the BSPA, Rosco, JL, Trevor Swales and all.

It will be superb.

Can you imagine the first contestant up: "Hello and who are you," says Cowell

BSPA Person: "I'm from the BSPA,".

Cowell: "So what are you going to entertain us with"

BSPA Person: "I'm going to read you the rules in the speedway rule book".

THREE X'S come up behind before a word is spoken.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Enough of all that.

Now we have Poole on Thursday. Yep, the same Poole who I predicted as champions in my pre-season special in the EADT and Evening Star.

Yep, don't I look a plonker?

I blame you Middleditch. If you hadn't gone and given Bjarne Pedersen a testimonial at the start of the season, he would be having to earn his money now.

Come on Hamps. Another big score son. Come on Kingy, wake it up son, it's not happening yet is it? Come on Starsky, four laps.

Pete Heeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeee Goooooooooooo Simmmmmmmoooo. Son, it needs the odd reminder on Thursday me thinks.

Kick some butt. Tell the Kronemeister half a pint of Carlsberg is better than the whole Munich Beer Festival. And that Gerd Muller is really a yoghurt.

Will Loobie be there? No doubt, fingers taped up in the V position! No get well soon Loobie.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So the first GP on Saturday. I can't wait.

Washy's brother Tappers is coming round with his girlfriend Lucious Lucy and her mate Zoe.

What do you reckon? Boomsound I reckon.

I'll go for a top five of Pedersen, Crump, Andersen, Gollob and Hancock.

Blimey I could have written that 4 years ago with the same names (apart from Hans, who was banned for being too good).

Still we love GP nights in my house.

Nobby Nuts, "The Best of Rosco" DVD and a look through the Witches v Poole programme from Thursday night.

. . . with Swidders 12+2 . . . and the Witches romping it by 12 . . . .THE OLD POKER FACE.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SO what do you reckon? Did you want to win the cup? Do you play Poker? Who's funnier, Trevor, Rosco, JL or me?

Don't forget my webchat on Friday at noon. It can now be found on www.lovespeedway24.co.uk book mark it NOW

All comments happily received.

Rip their heads off . . . like an Egyptian

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:02:00 GMT

ALL the cops in the donut shop say
Ay oh, whey oh,, ay oh, whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian - DONK!
Walk like an Egyptian

http://clipshack.com/Clip.aspx?key=65143F523EF415C0

EGYPTIAN? Are you kidding. They don't celebrate Easter in Egypt like me and Hamps.

You want eggs, you got eggs. You want points, you got Hamps. You want drivel, you got my blog.

Ah get lost, nobody does it better. Well only Rosco.

You see there she was, my mate Pilchard's new bit of stuff, Josie, LOVELY PAIR OF LEVIS, pint of lager in one hand, Mars Bar in the other, giving it the "Go Hampel, Go Hampel", waist swivel as Jarek put the Hammers to bed in heat 15 last week.

What a girl she is. All of us wanted to marry her, but none of us got any further than the engagement ring.

OK, so the Witches ride Peterborough and Lakeside's tracks like we've never seen them before, damn those new tracks.

HOW MANY FLIPPIN' TIMES HAVE YOU RIDDEN AT PETERBOROUGH TOBI?

MY GOD MAN, IT'S BIG, ROUND AND THE SPITTING IMAGE OF GERMAN TRACKS!!

WHAT MORE DUST VON NEED?

Sorry the Kronermeister, there was no need for that. You won us the meeting on Good Friday with that German-propelled rocket gate in heat 12, and quite frankly even if you'd

a) scored just 4 points at Lakeside, or

b) turned up at Peterborough

We'd still have lost.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I like the Bangles. The blond one always caught my eye. Walk like an Egyptian . . . love it. Can't stop humming it . . . see catchy ain't it?

I used to be a very good singer.

In fact I remember once going to Coventry and singing at the top of my voice in the bar:-

"Don't you lot nick Nicholls,

"He's our pride and joy

"Don't you lot nick Nicholls,

"Get stuffed, get stuffed, buzz off."

It was all pretty childish really, but I didn't care. I was so annoyed with the way they nicked our Ipswich-born main man at the time, Scottie, I just wanted to make my point.

And MORE IMPORTANTLY make sure they don't do it again to any other club . . .

. . . . Which brings me on to Thursday and Eastbourne (minus Edward Kennett who's moved to Coventry). Oh Damm, there I go again, putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 4.

Of course Edward Kennett was unhappy at Eastbourne. He was practically born and bred there. God man, Eastbourne is awful, a good 10 minutes from Kenno's home, awful, simply awful.

However in my opinion the Eagles, like the Witches are too nice.

In fact Ipswich v Eastbourne is a bit like Nicey Club 1 v Nicey Club 2. There will be no shoulders or barging coming out of turn two on Thursday.

After you my dear Tobi. Nein, nein mon kleinen nicen little Eaglet. After you my dear little Davey Watty person.

You know what I mean. There you are BSPA, it's only Eastbourne and Ipswich, please wipe your feet all over them.

They are a nice couple of little clubs, all fluffy clouds and blowing kisses at each other.

GET SOME DAMN BITE INTO THE MATCH LOOBIE LOO AND GET THE FANS IN!

Come on, send out a press release headed

"EAGLES TO HAVE THEIR HEADS RIPPED OFF BY MANIAC POLES"

SAYS WITCHES RIDER/MANAGER/PRESS OFFICER/TRACK SWEEPER/PUNDIT/UNCLE TOM COBLEY/DAKAR-PARIS LEGEND, ETC LOOBIE

That's what the fans want. Sock it to 'em Witches.

Knock 'em dead with the old Polska Larter Parter.

Oi Simmo. What are you doing? All I've heard so far from you this season is that, "It's cold up here".

I couldn't care less if it is. Down where I am, I've turned the heating off. If you're 9ft. 9, that's your problem.

Pump up the Witches Simmo. Heeeeerrreeee Weeeeeeeeee Goooooooooo Simmoooooooo. Hit 'em where it hurts.

No messing. If they don't do the business . . .poke 'em in the ear. Or better still make them take the air fence down at the end.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Oh, I've given up trying to talk to Starsky. On Friday after his heat two victory, I went over to him and said (in my pigeon Polish).

"Hey Starsk, Hutch would be proud of you."

The reaction . . . his bland expression made Pete Adams look like Robin Williams.

And another thing . . . now the weather is like Ibiza here in Ipswich, the track shop have given me a Beannie hat!!

Can you believe it? Oh Jaybea I love you really . . . see . . . more fluffy clouds, bring on those lovely Eagles.

COME ON MY BOOBY WITCHES BOYS

++++++++++++++++++++

So what do you reckon?

How good are the Witches? Is it three points or nowt on Thursday? Or can you get five points for a home win?

Do you walk like an Egyptian? Am I bonkers?

Let me know . . . comment below.

And you fink you're wet?

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:06:00 GMT

She bangs, she bangs
Al mirala, she moves, she moves
Me enloquece cuando baila
Camina, no puedo parar
Esa mujer me va a matar

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1b84z_ricky-martin-she-bangs_music

HOLA! Oh yes, we're all in Europe now you know. She bangs, you bet she does and I met her in Gran Canaria 1985!

Yep! Credit crunch in England, just the same as in Poland (ask Nicki and Hans!!). And of course Russia (no Pepe this year Vladistockoopoppopoo).

Who needs money when you've got Ricky Martin, or for that matter JC . . the Lakeside Jon Hammer Time Cookmeister Cookie.

I love him. Him and Rosco, should have their own show.

"Round the Bend" with Rosco and JC - a BSPA production, where the rules change EVERY week!! Hurrah!!

Darcy Ward, Darcy Ward, who's he? who's he?

Who cares? But he ain't going to Poole, Swindon or Wolves, so let's stick some rule in the rulebook.

Anway back to JC the Hammer.

Remember me telling you about Rosco last week on Sky Sports, well JC obviously read my classic blog and thought, "sod that Bacofoil, I can do better than the Rosco."

So after Belle Vue's laugh-a-minute Morts had us giggling all over the sofa as he rattled off every reason under the sun why Belle Vue/Lakeside should continue with his team four ahead, the track under a foot of water and ducks swimming in the background on turn two, enter JC . . . no messing.

"Oh yeah, nice one. Now they are four points up, they are quite happy to continue," JC broadsides

"Don't tell me Belle Vue are all keen to flippin ride, Kasprzak wanted to go home flippin' five flippin' minutes ago. Fink I'm daft?"

"Do you fink I want to drive all the way up here again? Your're joking."

Brilliant JC, completely brilliant.

And there was Loobie Loo, stupid sponsored jacket on (he'd wear an, 'I'm a Pedigree Chum' hat if Sky said it was worth an extra £50!!), dry as a bone, stuck in some sort of shed, with the Pearsonmeister, both trying not to laugh their socks off, as Charlie (the latest bird), listened to JC's rant.

"And one more fing. How did Swindon get on at Poole last week?". (No, he didn't really say that, that was just me being naughty).

BUT, who needs Robin Hood when speedway has it's own hero, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor . . . JC, you're a bally hero. Long may you continue.

++++++++++++++++++

AND talking of heroes. Who is going to be my booby billy Witches hero this Easter time?

Hamps son, give me 15 at Peterborough, 14 at Foxhall and an appearance at Lakeside and I'll cover you in chocolate and smarties and get my little puppy Fluff to lick you dry, you little Polish wizard you.

Come on Swids. Remember Peterborough thought you were hopeless.

They didn't want you. They preferred the Kingmeister, and they got rid of you Danny boy a year later. It's cruel, all cruel.

And Morts the Rizzla. Don't listen to any of the Panthers' nice words making out you are a really popular guy who is a brilliant rider.

You know the truth, now go and prove them wrong.

Kingy . . . Big, wide and handsome, ride it Dan, you the man. 12+1 and we're singing in the cold - which it is bound to be.

++++++++++++++++++

I suppose you all heard about Wishy's fishing tackle problem?

No? Well Wishy, as you know is my Polish friend who collects slippers. Well he went back to Gdansk (deported) and decided to take up fishing.

So what? I hear you cry.

Well he went fishing in the freezing weather and caught a cold . . . which is rather ironic. Because that's just what most of the GP riders are now doing in Poland. Halve the money, Halve the money.

++++++++++++++++++

Don't mention single cream to me. It's real muck is that stuff. I'm a cheese and onion man myself.

Come on the Tobes, a big weekend my little German Von Strocklohhoom.

I don't want you sent packing home to Dusseldorf yet, especially when you live in Munich.

Witches . . . go. And GO NOW. Points on the board, points on the board.

Get 'em rockin Simmo. Or I'll throw Creme Eggs at the lot of ya! (the little ones, the big ones I love if anyone has any spare).

Pushcrister

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So what do you reckon? Is JC a hero? Am I a nutter? Would you like to live in Munich? Has my Beannie hat from the track shop arrived yet? Will Hamps ever find Lakeside? Let me know, comment below

Pass me the iPhone, Starsky's off again

mike.bacon@archant.co.uk — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:45:00 GMT

STRANGE. You think I'm strange?

Get out of here, there's nothing strange about me.

You take the Witches, now they are strange.

Why? . . . oh forget it.

Found myself in a strange town
Though I've only been here for three weeks now
Ive got blisters on my feet
Trying find a friend in Oxford Street
I bought an A to Z guide book
Trying to find the clubs and YMCAs
But when you ask in a strange town
They say dont know, dont care
And I've got to go, mate

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jam/strange_town.html

JAMMY? That's the buzzword in the Bacon household.

Heat four my booby Witches start, while those pesky Bees from Brandon are already eight ahead.

This is not the play-offs yet Tobi Tobi Quite Contobi. There is no 'having to give the opposition a lead' you know.

The meeting is not over two legs.

Geeee 'em up Heeeerrreee Weeeeeee Goooooo Simmmmmoo and the Loobie.

Kick their butt from the off. Make 'em run a lap of the track with a bike on their backs.

Threaten them! Harash them, poke them, tell them JL's bank account is with RBS, that'll worry them.

WILKO son. What can I say. You can be in my university challenge team any day now my friend.

Effort, shedloads of it. And Kingy son, you look good already, deserved better.

If you'd had a shave, I'd have given you a kiss for some of your efforts.

Still, early doors, tractor bores, light a candle and see the rabbits in the headlights.

We can still make the play-offs, what's wrong with you lot.

My mate Rapsy was RIGHT jarred off.

He paid his money to come in (concessions as he is Eastern European and only earns 3p a day in Romania).

Anyhow his favourite rider is Joel Parsons . . . . loser!

But after the start the Witches had, he went home after three races! What a plonker.

You should have seen his reply on his iPhone (which he gets paid for as he's awaiting deportation).

I text "Rapsy, we leading 20-16". He replies (in Romanian), well basically shove it, he ain't coming back.

THE Schleiny, you did try. And Bomber throwing yourself off like that.

You couldn't have done more, but no, it wasn't to Bee.

Am I downhearted? Up your Leszno's I'm not.

Swidders and the Hamp looked sharp and as for the Rizzlar, he looked REALLY good in one race . . . pretty crap in the others mind you!

Starsky had his moments, mostly on the floor, but he gives it a go and I'm going to give it large down the Bristol Arms tonight, telling everyone the Witches look OK.

Yep. I'm right behind them. Starsky and the Rizzlar will come good and nice to see the Lanhameister out on the centre green. Hope his old man knows he offered a free sasauge with every portion of large chips.

So, get your heads up, keep your legs crossed and shout "Oi! JL, why not free programmes on Good Friday?"

You can only ask.

So what do you think? Will the Witches make the play-offs. Is Starsky going to come good? Am I bonkers? Are cheeseburgers at Di's worth £3?

Comment below . . . . ramptasha