Rebecca's Journey

An end

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 06:56:00 GMT

Things are much the same. I really try to lose some weight, I do, then I put some back on again.

I have stayed around the 14 stone mark now for around three months and am thinking of that, maybe bizarrely, as a positive.

I am still determined to lose weight, but I know that may take a while.

And because I just keep repeating myself and going in a circle when it comes to the diet I am going to stop the blog – I feel I have said everything there is to say and I don’t want to repeat myself here too.

So this is my last post.

While I was on LighterLife there was a sense of adventure and every day was different and, I hope, interesting.

I also discussed issues and really gave my opinions.

The blog helped, and all the wonderful comments were amazing, so thanks so much.

I believe I will reach my goal weight, and stay there, eventually. I guess you have to believe that.

And anyone who is interested in how I’m doing can always e-mail me at rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk.

Thanks!

Birthday planning

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Mon, 21 May 2007 20:13:00 GMT

It’s my birthday coming up again.

Last year I went to a theme park and didn’t eat a thing. I didn’t find it at all hard, but that’s because, as you know, I never found not eating tricky.

This year however I will be eating and the struggle to eat healthily will be even worse during a weekend when all I want to do is celebrate.

I’d like to be able to drink freely and really enjoy food (which, lets face it, doesn’t involve a salad) and just generally relax about everything.

But of course I know that laid-back (and lazy) attitude will eventually lead to me being more miserable and never losing the weight.

However I know I’ve got to be allowed to indulge sometimes. So I’m planning on eating amazingly well (Kate Moss, eat your heart out) this week so over the weekend and on my birthday (next Tuesday) I can have that extra glass of wine (or two, or three, or…) and not completely want to beat myself up afterwards.

Because in my mind (and probably lots of people) food and fun and socialising and celebrating go hand-in-hand. I’ve tried to get rid of the association but just haven’t managed it.

I don’t know how I did it last year!

One year on

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Mon, 14 May 2007 10:10:00 GMT

It was a year ago that I decided to change my weight (and myself) and embark on a diet that saw me not eat conventional food for around 200 days.

If you’d said to me then I lose seven stone I’d have been over-the-moon. If you said I’d then put three stone back on I’d be a bit disappointed but I would still have accepted that.

Unfortunately I’m not that happy about the situation now it has happened and it’s so much easier to think about the places I’ve failed than the achievements I’ve managed.

It’s been a tough year but it’s also been a great year and the achievements I mention weren’t just losing weight – they were the emotional aspects of the journey too.

To be honest it’s probably been the best year of my life (which is odd as I didn’t eat for more than half of it!) and I wouldn’t change it.

Now I’ve got another year and my aim is to get rid of those extra three stone and then maintain that weight for a while. If I’m in that place 12 months from now I’ll be very happy and I know it is an achievable goal.

So last year has finished (both the good and bad parts) and now I have to get on with my next goal. Wish me luck…!

National Doughnut Week

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Tue, 08 May 2007 09:57:00 GMT

As I was reading my Evening Star today something caught my eye. A big picture of a doughnut!

Doughnuts are something I have struggled not to eat recently (and in the past week, successfully, I’d like to add) so it wasn’t hard for this tasty-looking image to draw me in and I found I’d licked my lips before I’d even had a conscious thought and certainly before I been able to think ‘no, doughnuts are bad’.

On reading the advert of which the picture was the main part I saw that I could get a free doughnut at Sainsbury’s with the paper today, because it was, you guessed it, National Doughnut Week!

I couldn’t believe it. I know there is a week for everything now but for doughnuts? Something we should be cutting down on rather than being encouraged to eat more of? Surely not? Isn’t that just wrong?

I really think it is awful that this week has been organised.

It is a brainchild of The Children’s Trust charity which looks after youngsters with disabilities. The charity raised thousands of pounds from the initiative last year and so unsurprisingly organised another National Doughnut Week for 2007 which is taking place as I type and until May 12.

And although it may be a good cause I simply can not believe that a charity that looks after children’s wellbeing would promote doughnuts.

With all the sugar and carbohydrates packed into each one they have to be one of the most addictive types of food on offer (which is why it is unsurprising that supermarkets are willing to give one away for free), and certainly one of the least healthy.

There is nothing healthy about a doughnut. We shouldn’t be impressed with the fact ‘The record for doughnut eating is held by John Haight, who ate 29 doughuts in just over six minutes in 1981. Mmmmm!’ – which The Children’s Trust inculdes on its fun facts about doughnuts (facts which don’t, of course, give its calorie content).

And, as someone who is trying desperatly to shut up the part of my brain that says, ‘one won’t hurt – go on’, I can tell you it isn’t helpful to see the cahirty’s solgan for the week; 'Go doughnutty and treat yourself this National Doughnut Week!'

Of course, of course, I should be able to resist anyway, but I am shocked with the charity’s irresponsibility and the fact that in an age when obesity is a problem for not just me, but a growing number of people (no pun intended), we don’t see the irony in having a National Doughnut Week.

Becoming a morning person

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Thu, 03 May 2007 17:19:00 GMT

I have always hated mornings. I don’t want to get up and point-blank refuse to be cheerful.

But of late they have become my favourite time, because they are the time when I seem to have the most resolve and the least desire to eat.

I wake up each day, feel upset (well nearly always) by what I ate yesterday, look at myself in the mirror and promise this will be a better day because it has to be or I will be back where I started in the blink of an eye and all the effort will have been wasted.

At this point I don’t feel hungry. Sometimes I think I should eat something because everyone says you should have breakfast, but then I remember that whenever I eat I want to eat more – so I normally don’t.

Then I do fine at work until someone starts talking about food or I see food or anything like that, and I start thinking about it and wanting it, really wanting it.

Then often I will get something from the canteen, the vending machine, or even go up to Sainsbury’s if I’m really desperate.

And I can’t stop. I normally go home with the main intention of having something else to eat because it’s all I’ve been thinking about since I started eating. Sometimes I visit the chip shop on the way home.

Then once I’ve started I just eat and eat till I can’t eat anymore. And I feel completely rubbish afterwards – during even.

Then each morning I want to be better. In fact because I just had a packet of crisps from the vending machine I’m already looking forward to the morning again because I know that getting to bedtime without eating anything else (which is what I should do because I had lunch) will be a big struggle.

A crisis of trousers

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Tue, 01 May 2007 10:48:00 GMT

I had nothing to wear this morning!

No, I’m not just being a girl – I honestly struggled to find some trousers this morning because most of them were either in the wash or didn’t fit.

I really hadn’t realised I’d sneaked on even more weight in the last few weeks which meant I couldn’t squeeze into some of my size 16 trousers.

This is pretty upsetting. And I was also slightly panicked about the fact I might have to go to work in jeans! I don’t have any size 18 trousers in the house now you see.

Eventually I did find some I could fit into (why do size 16s, and any sizes, vary so much?)

But if ever there was a wake-up-call (okay, I’ve said that before), this was one.

I can’t afford to put on any more weight as I don’t have the money to buy new clothes.

And hopefully because all the ones I have now are so tight I will be less likely to stuff my face – apparently there are studies that show have loose fitting clothes means you eat more!

That’s looking on the bright side!

Aubergine soup

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:57:00 GMT

In recent months I’ve been trying everything. And mostly (well, completely, failing).

I tried abstinence again with my foodpacks that were left over, but I didn’t really stick to it because my heart wasn’t in it.

I tried bizarre combinations of jelly and fruit.

I tried online Weight Watchers

I tried eating healthily (yeah right, like that was going to work!)

And I tried no carbs.

But since I’ve got back I’ve realised that I need a combination of these options and it may be the right answer for me. I have to start to eat healthily and that has to be my principal aim. But I also need some structure there too and some kind of rules.

So I’m planning on healthy eating using Weight Watchers and limited carbs as my basis.

And so far it’s working. I even discovered how tasty it could be when I whisked up a gorgeous aubergine soup from a Weight Watchers recipe.

So although I don’t think I’m going to be able to patent my diet, as it is rather ad-hoc, I’m hoping to stick to it for a while by recording what I eat in the Weight Watchers table and by cutting down on nasty carbs.

Cuba

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 11:10:00 GMT

I am in love with all things Cuba! I loved the dancing and music in particular and it is now my aim in life to become a salsa queen!

Food wise the holiday wasn’t exactly amazing but it wasn’t awful. My real downfall was the rum.

In a country where it truly is cheaper than the water it is very easy to drink it like water and rum, because it is made from sugar, isn’t exactly good for you. So I found when I got back that I had put on weight.

However I’d also gained some motivation with those extra pounds. Going somewhere like Cuba really puts life into perspective. I remember who lucky I am and how good life is and that makes me not want to eat.

Plus if I take up salsa with fervent dedication that should shift a few calories.

So once again I think the holiday has done me good – I must go on another one!!

Another holiday

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 19:56:00 GMT

I’m going on holiday. Again. (Yes I’m a very lucky girl).

But there is something I’m depressed about when it comes to this one.

I’m going to Cuba and it could well be the best holiday of my life. They’ll be so many great photos to take (me by classic 50s car, me with cocktail, me with cigar, me with my mate Fidel…) but I won’t really feel as happy about the photos as I should because I’m fat and I’ll look bad in them.

It is not much of a downer in the grand scheme of things but it is a shame none-the-less. It reminds out to me that being thinner means being happier and more carefree on so many levels.

Because although worrying about my weight won’t ruin my holiday by any stretch it is still a shame that before I go it is something I’m thinking about when I should just be concentrating on the fact I’m on a holiday of a lifetime.

I have decided that to combat the voices in my head that tell me I’ll look rubbish all holiday I’m going to have to get some more clothes!

This isn’t like when women use any excuse to get more clothes (promise!) because actually I won’t want to get more. It depresses me that I need to. But better fitting clothes are more flattering and will give me more confidence and so it is an important thing to do.

Hopefully once I get back they won’t fit me for much longer though because buying smaller clothes is so much more fun than buying bigger ones!

Specs

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 23:02:00 GMT

I’ve been having a good few days.

I’m enjoying work and life. And, maybe more importantly, inside my head the emphasis on my weight when it comes to my physical appearance has been shifted slightly for a little while.

Because I’ve just got glasses for the first time!

It is very weird wearing them and I think I look completely different when I look in the mirror (though of course most people don’t even notice). I’m slightly self-conscious about it but at least it’s stopped me obsessing about my weight for five minutes (because when I get bogged down in size it means that in turn means I think about food).

Plus the glasses have reminded me that I’ve been lucky. Because although I’ve put back on enough weight to be obese again (I’m 13 stone 12 pounds today), my face doesn’t look obese.

It is silly and illogical that getting specs should mean I don’t think about food as much, but that is the way it is and right now I’ll take what I can get if it makes living with food easier!

Michelin starred versus the rest

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:12:00 GMT

I was on a fantastic press trip to France over the weekend where for the first time ever I got to eat in a Michelin starred restaurant!

As a food-obsesser I was very excited about this, and in fact the food for the whole weekend was wonderful (and the wine too!)

It made me think again about trying to eat better food and less of it at the same time. But even the problem with this tactic is that if you’re having less it’s still so much more expensive.

You see I think I’d find it much easier to resist the call of the doughnuts if I knew I could have a gorgeous steak with some lovely exotic vegetables when I got home, but nice, healthy meat, doesn’t come cheap.

When I was at home recently mum had kindly invested in some Marks and Spencer steaks and they were £8 for two! That eats up a lot of my budget…

And I certainly can’t afford to be eating in Michelin starred restaurants all the time.

I know the prime cuts of lean meat will always be pricey and it is just for me to prioritise better, but it is tough when you walk into a supermarket and see mega expensive, quality, yummy and healthy food which you know you should go for next to reduced rubbish which is about a fifth of the price.

When you look at the big picture clearly health comes before budget, but on a day-to-day basis it’s a tougher decision to make.

Thirty minutes

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:11:00 GMT

I don’t think it’s fair.

Not eating is an effort for me every second of the day. I’m addicted to food so that’s how it is. I think about food all the time and want to satisfy my cravings constantly.

Sometimes, when I’m busy, I admit that food isn’t the first thing on my mind but I think about it way more than most people can imagine.

And so every minute I don’t eat is a quiet little victory.

And I manage so often.

But then recently there was a day when it didn’t go to plan; it was a day where I’d been so good.

I’d eaten a healthy lunch and was on course for a really good day. And then there were 30 little minutes where it went completely wrong.

I binged. I ate a packet of doughnuts and half a loaf of white bread. I kinda hated myself while I was doing it but couldn’t’ stop, and once I did stop (well, the food stopped because there was non left) I really hated myself.

And then I started feeling sorry for myself, because I have passed many exams in my life and never one where I needed 100 per cent. Even in a driving test, where to be safe you really shouldn’t be making any mistakes, you’re allowed a certain number of ‘minors’.

How come I can be good 90 per cent of the time with food and that other 10 per cent means I fail? Give me some leeway please!

Kidding myself

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 21:28:00 GMT

I think I might have been wrong.

I said eating more than I should over the weekend was okay when actually I was trying to make myself believe it and not feel too bad about the unhealthy stuff I had. There were two options; say it was okay or feel bad. Plus at the time I was eating I also had to pretend to myself it was okay so I could carry on eating.

Well I can’t do that anymore.

I need to realise that I can’t have whole weekends off because in that time since Thursday I put on seven extra pounds and now can’t fit into some more trousers which is so depressing.

But I’m not getting down today. It’s given me a wake-up-call and made me remember that I really do have a battle on my hands to lose weight and be healthy. But I now know it’s one I can win.

So I need to stop making excuses and justifying everything in my head. It’s time to really face the fact that I will have to eat sensibly for the rest of my life and that does mean to a certain extent never being able to enjoy (or abuse) food in the way I have done.

I’m putting my food loving days behind me and embracing a new life where I eat to live, not live to eat.

Being good so I can be bad

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 09:11:00 GMT

Okay, so I have eaten some things I maybe shouldn’t have this weekend. I was up in Manchester for four days and struggled to get curry and alcohol into the Weight Watchers plan successfully while still enjoying myself. So I didn’t, I abandoned the plan for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

But it’s okay because I still ate reasonably well, much better than I would have in the past, so I thought of it as a real step forward.

I’ll get back onto the plan today and all week (including the weekend this time as I’m staying in Ipswich so don’t need to eat out which is so tricky to do healthily). Because my goal is still to lose weight gradually and then, more importantly, keep it off.

This weekend showed me that it is worth being good most of the time just so it is possible to have those bad(er) days when you eat what you want not what you should. Even the thin people still sometimes have calorie-filled meals out I’m sure (thought maybe for them that just means one bite of a chocolate bar).

So I’m still feeling positive and optimistic and I’m looking forward to eating well this week because it will make me feel happy and empowered and also less guilty when I have something yummy further on down the line.

What a difference a week makes

rebecca.lefort@eveningstar.co.uk — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 22:47:00 GMT

Wow, things have changed for me.

Just a fortnight ago I couldn’t stop crying; now I’m all smiles again.

Going on holiday gave me break from my downward spiral and a time to do some great thinking. So I have come back energised and optimistic.

I now weigh 13 stone 10 pounds. When I got to my lowest weight with LigtherLife I was 11 stone 5 pounds. By hey, when I started I was 18 stone, so I should look at it that way.

That means I really would like to lose some more weight but I am more patient now. I have been using Weight Watchers online this week and have found it a really good tool and not that difficult to stick to.

I don’t mind that I’d be losing two pounds a week rather than four or five because what I need to do now is find a healthy way of living, not dieting.

So when I saw some lovely LighterLife friends today it really hit me that things are looking up for me. Because when I started talking about how I was doing ‘weight-wise’, for the first time in ages I didn’t feel miserable.

I’m back in business! The business of losing weight and loving life!